I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are a genius and a whore.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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