Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
