the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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