You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
