I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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