Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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