the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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