I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
