Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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