Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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