My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
