i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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