I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
