i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
