You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
