What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
