the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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