Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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