I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
