Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
