I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
