who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
