when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
