I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
