just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
