I think i peed on brittanys purse
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
