Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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