So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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