why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
