Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
