I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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