we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
