is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
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