if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize
