i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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