while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
