YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
