I seem to have left my pride at pride
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
