Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
