Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
