I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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