hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
