I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize