We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
