I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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