I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
