Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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