just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
