Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
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The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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