morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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