I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
