Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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