I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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