the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
